I hardly ever go on Facebook, but when I do, I do it with a vengeance. I took a whole bunch of those stupid Facebook quizzes and do you know what I found out? I’m screwed up!

The first quiz I took was Are you really a man or a woman? I got man. Well good. I was glad about that one.
Then I took the Friends quiz and it said I was Joey. Okay, that’s good too.
Then I took the What Award should you win and it said Super Bowl MVP.

I posted that stuff all over Facebook. As if to say, “See, I’m a guy. See I can win macho stuff”.

Then, I took the What instrument are you quiz. I got triangle. What kind of stupid ordinary crap is that? The triangle is the worst instrument in the whole orchestra. It’s even worse than the ratchet, claves and woodblock. What evil quizmaker would even have that as one of the results?

Then I took the What Musical Theater star are you?
Result: Mary Poppins
What Mystical Creature lives in you?
Result: Fairy

FAIRY!

You give me the Super Bowl MVP and then call me a Fairy?

But worst of all. I found out that I am a Super Star Fashionista. They said that I knew so much that the experts could learn from me. Me, who wears tie-dyed Scooby Doo shirts and socks with holes in them.

barbieI also found out that I am Accountant Barbie (I ABHOR math. I suck at it). I wanted to be some type of sexy Barbie; like big-boobed stripper Barbie. Not Accountant Barbie. What kind of nonsense is that?

I also found out that I will be an astronaut in my next life. And I should be living in France and New Mexico. And I talk like somebody from Arizona. And if I was a president I would be Andrew Jackson.

When I get old, which I kind of already am, I will be the grumpy old neighbor man. Who if he was a flower, would be a daffodil. Who if he was a color, would be red (even though every time a quiz asks me to pick a color, I pick blue).

So, I’m a man Mary Poppins (therefore drag queen)/Joey with the soul of a fairy who is a super star fashionisa/triangle/accountant Barbie/daffodil who should be commuting between France and New Mexico while speaking the Arizonian lingo while screaming at all of the neighbors…and red.

I’d say that makes me pretty screwed up.

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