This Brady crisis involves Jan (most of them do). She comes home from school one day and lays her books down on one of the infamous Brady steps (hoping someone will trip on them, I bet). She then goes into the kitchen for cookies and milk. That bitch Marcia is there.
M: Here, this came for you today.
J: Oh, it’s an invitation to Lucy Winter’s birthday party.
Duh, you loser, I know. I already opened it.
J: Who opened it?
M: I did, but it wasn’t my fault. Look at the envelope.
J: MARCIA Brady! How come my invitation was addressed to you?
M: I don’t know. Lucy’s your friend, so I called her.
J: What’d she say?
M: You know, just one of those things.
Jan gets all disgruntled.
Carol is in the playroom or family den, or whatever the fuck that place is that is right off the kitchen. She is tidying up because, well, her family is a bunch of insensitive slobs.
J: Why does this always happen to me?
CB: Why does what always happen to you?
How about some more info, Jan. She’s not a freakin’ mind reader
People are always forgetting who I am. I’m Marcia’s YOUNGER sister, or Cindy’s OLDER sister. I’m in the middle. And being in the middle is like being…INVISIBLE.
So, some stuff happens, and Jan decides to go to the Department Store and buy a wig. The Department Store lady, who also moonlights as Marcia’s teacher in the Davy Jones episode, advises Jan that she’s probably too young for a wig. Jan tries on the Midnight Temptress wig.
DSL: Don’t you think that’s a little old for you?
J: I’m 12
DSL: THAT old.
She tries on another wig, but, well … it’s really a handbag. She doesn’t know the difference because:
A. She’s a moron
B. She hasn’t gotten her glasses yet
C. She’s fashion forward and fuck all y’all bitches, I’m wearing a furry handbag on my head.
She ends up getting the raggedy ass black Annie wig.
Marcia and Jan make fun of her and advise her against wearing the wig to Lucy Winter’s birthday party.
M: You CAN’T wear that to Lucy Winter’s birthday party!
J: I don’t see why not.
M: Because you’ll look like some kind of KOOK, that’s why.
Thank you Dr. Marcia Freud for your in depth analysis. Now bite me.
THANKS! You’ll see. Things will be different for me as a brunette.
Jan and Peter go to Lucy’s birthday party. Peter was invited too. He has been having his own crisis involving Margie, some girl who has a crush on him. We don’t really give a shit about him, so…
Jan tells Peter to go first and sort of announce her. Jan hides in the bushes.
Peter rings the doorbell. Lucy answers.
L: Where’s Jan?
P: Here she is, my sister, the NEW Jan Brady!
Jan steps out from behind the shadows. You can her a pin drop.
Lucy tells Jan that it’s the best joke she’s ever pulled.
L: That would be great for Halloween
L: Yeah, Halloween!
Enter Peter, Lucy and Margie.
L: We’re sorry Jan if we hurt your feelings. We thought the wig HAD to be a joke.
Marg: Your own hair, it’s so pretty.
L: We all envy it.
Jan goes back to the party and another crisis is averted.
Moral of the story: Wigs are evil! Just be yourself.